Can’t sleep…

It’s just about 2:30am and I can’t sleep.  I’m tired, but I can’t bring myself to actually close my eyes and fall asleep.  I don’t want to sleep tonight…I really would like to freeze time…On Thursdayafternoon, my family found out my uncle had approximately 3 days left….tomorrow/today, whatever (Sunday) is day 3.  I’m having a really hard time handling this and I can’t hold it in. I’ve always seen Uncle Paul as the center of the MacDonald family, the person who holds the family together.  For as long as I can remember (and probably even before I was born) we always spent Christmas Eve at Uncle Paul’s house.  Santa (aka Uncle Paul) visited and all of the kids got an early Christmas present.  My uncle has “retired” from Santa and now my dad is the official Santa of the MacDonald family Christmas at Uncle Paul’s house.  A few years ago, it was decided that we’d have our annual family party the Saturday before Christmas.  This year it was cancelled because Uncle Paul was in the hospital and it didn’t look like he’d pull through.  2 days before Christmas, he came out of his semi-coma and a  week later, he came home.  Since New Years Eve (the day he came home), he has been in bed in the back room of his house.  He has to stay in bed because his bones are so weak.  Thank you bone cancer and chemo.  I visited him with Kyle, Patty and my parents last Sunday.  He was tired and I only spoke to him a little.  He’s on so much pain medication because without it, he wouldn’t be able to tolerate the pain.  Anyway, we spent a couple hours with him, my aunt and my cousins.  Uncle Paul loved that Kyle came last weekend.  As I’m writing this, I’m feeling a lot better.  I can’t keep my sadness in.  I’m so afraid to get the dreaded phonecall from my dad…and I know it’s coming sooner rather than later.  Maybe it would have been better if I hadn’t spoken to my mom earlier and not finding out that hospice told the family he had about 3 days.  When my dad called me on Thursday night to tell me that hospice went to Uncle Paul’s and he was bleeding, he only told me that Uncle Paul’s time was limited and it wouldn’t be long.  Although I don’t like the uncertainity of when it’ll happen, I think it’s worse knowing they gave him a timeline of 3 days.  Knowing that tomorrow is the 3rd day is killing me.  I’m not ready to loose my uncle.  His 70th birthday is later this month and he won’t make it until then.  Uncle Paul read at our wedding. I remember the day Kyle and I asked him to be a reader.  We asked him at my family’s Memorial Day BBQ (2009.) Uncle Paul was thrilled.  I remember him standing in the kitchen and suddenly calling everyone’s attention and informing them that he was going to do one of the readings at our wedding.  I can picture him reading at our wedding. 

I realize I’m rambling….whatever thoughts are coming to my head, I’m typing.  Kyle’s asleep….I feel bad waking him up.  There really isn’t much he can do to comfort me.  A hug would be nice, but I really don’t think there is anything that can completely comfort me.  As bad as this sounds, I just wish we could skip ahead a few weeks and have all of this behind us.  I don’t want to loose my uncle, however, there’s no chance of a miracle happening this time.  December of 2009 he was given 6-8 months to live.  It’s now almost 13 months later.  A few weeks ago when he was in the hospital, he wasn’t supposed to make it.  He did.  This time, however, it’s looking even worse.  I don’t believe hospice can do anything.  They are there to make him comfortable.  The day he began to bleed my dad visited him.  My dad said “hello” and Uncle Paul responded “hello,” then fell asleep.

I don’t feel like I can do this.  I’m trying to be really strong, but it’s so hard.  I’ve cried on and off since Thursday night.  I’ve been trying to keep myself occupied and my mind off of the inevitable.  It’s hard, though… It’s 2:45am…it’s all I’m thinking about now.

I think back to June when Aunt Marie (dad’s sister-in-law) passed away…Over the past few years, we didn’t see much of her.  I’m not even sure why.  I visisted her one Sunday in May with Kyle and Patty.  She was in great spirits, cracking jokes.  A month later, she passed away.  I had a tough time at the wake and even more difficult time at the funeral.  I can’t even imagine what I’m going to be like at Uncle Paul’s… Uncle Paul’s won’t be mostly family…. Uncle Paul knows everyone! It is going to be crazy, hundreds of people will come to pay their respects.  Last January, my cousins threw him a 69th birthday party (knowing he probably wouldn’t make it until his 70th)….He had more people there than came to my and Kyle’s wedding. 

I’m not sure what else to say.  Writing this and allowing myself to get this all out (as all over the place it is) has helped.  I cried, I stopped, I cried again, now the tears have stopped.  My cousins (Uncle Paul’s daughters) have written on facebook that they haven’t been able to sleep.  This is the first night since knowing that I’m having trouble sleeping.   I can’t imagine how theyor my aunt feels.  I’m having a very difficult time handling this.  I just don’t know how they are doing this.  They have been dealing with this longer than we all have…

I’m not planning on reading over what I wrote…I know I’ve gone all over the place with what I’ve written.  I need to make myself fall asleep.  I know everything will be okay…I know life will go on…this is just extremely difficult.  Knowing this is the end…I won’t be able to speak with Uncle Paul again (or at least he won’t speak to me again.) I won’t see him alive again…and here come the tears.  I sit here unsure of what to say or think. or do.  I needed to get this out because it’s been bottled up.  I cringe when I hear my phone make any sound, whether it rings or I just get a text message.  I’m nervous, scared…there are so many feelings I’m feeling right now.  I can’t even describe it.  I want to fall asleep and wake up and find out this is all a nightmare.  How can this happen? Why does it happen? Why can’t he just be able to live (and be healthy) for a couple more years? Things like this terrify me.  This past year there has been so much death (aunt, friend’s dad, co-worker, my parent’s cat, Elroy…) 3 out of 5 had cancer (including parent’s cat.) 4 out of 5 were young (aunt was 65…that’s young to die.  Friend’s dad was 59ish, co-worker was 45…Elroy wasn’t even 1.) Good things need to happen….

ugh, either my or Kyle’s phone just beeped…I don’t want to know… it’s 3am……I’m going to check…It was Kyle’s from his website.  I guess his site is down? I didn’t read it.  My heart is beating quickly.  See? I hate when a phone makes any type of noise…I’m just scared….

Over 1200 words and I’ve been writing for 30 minutes….probably should end this for now.  Maybe I’ll need to let everything out again tomorrow…I need to just think of happy things for now.  I have to try to keep my mind off of this otherwise I guarantee it, I’ll go crazy.

Categories: Life

One Response to “Can’t sleep…”

  1. Jessica says:

    Hi Jen,

    I am so sorry … I am saying lots of prayers for you and your family. I think it’s good you wrote … it helps to just get it all out.

    Love you and sending you a hug,

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